Agony

I dont even know where to begin. Retention didnt go as well as planned. We pretty much found out what we already knew. No reclassing, no switching mos(es), no anything, except choice of duty station, and even then they can do what they want with you. Ross is discouraged because he was really hoping to get out. I was hoping that he could do what he wanted. Seems like neither of us got our way. Thats life sometimes.
I feel like he doesn't understand me. I really dont know what to say about him anymore...he used to be my everything. He used to complete me. Now its like I sit around on egg shells just waiting for him to explode. He's so touchy these days. I know a lot of this is fueled from work. He just recently switched units and so things have been rough at work for him. When he isn't happy, I'm not happy. I haven't been happy for a while seems like. Things were okay when he came home from Iraq, then it took a lot of adjusting. We seemed to get back into a routine...now boom your pregnant again, and with the stress of re enlisting and me being pregnant I think its just gotten to him. He can only handle so much, he isn't God.
I love him, trust me I do. We have our ups and downs and right now its just an all time low for us, but it can always be worse. I try to be thankful for things we have and recieve. I dont think I'm doing such a super job at it, because apparently according to him..."your just like everyone else." It kills me when he says things like that. He doesn't even try to understand where I'm coming from. Communication has always been the issue for us...that later turned into trust issues since it brought them on, because we couldn't communicate in the beginning. I dont know what to do anymore. Him being down is bringing me down...I will never tell him but so much to where it makes me have thoughts of suicide. I feel sometimes the family would be better off without me. I almost feel as if we need a break again, and its sad because I just got him back in July. I hate being without him, but I hate being with him right now at this very point. I can me falling away and him starting to break.
This should be one of the happiest times in our lives. We just hit our four year wedding anniversery and we are expecting our second son in May. Seems like none of that matters because of the Army, it always goes back to the Army. He gets treated like crap, and hates what he does, brings it home...the cycle continues. I blame myself. I feel like I've actually ruined this guys life instead of bringing joy to it. Apparently I've been a burden. If it weren't for me getting pregnant would we even still be together? Of course we would. We wanted to get married and have kids and talked for years about it before doing it. I just dont think we knew exactly what we were getting ourselves into. Neither one of us has an education that can count for anything...here we are three years later with the Army...still no better than we came in...no money in savings, barely enough to make it until the next paycheck. Something has to change! I just dont know where to begin!
I wish I had a telephone to God and knew all the answers, but who doesn't? Can't hate myself for wishful thinking. I am falling down, I can't get up, its over now for me...I cant hold on...I honestly feel that I need professional help with these issues but that is just one more thing that he would have to worry about. I need a job. I have got to get out of this house, but good luck with that if you dont speak spanish in El Paso....ha just my luck, I fall into that category. Where is the way out from all of this mess?? Seriously! I just wish I knew what to do, and where to go from here. I dont feel like anyone understands me, because I dont even understand myself. I have no clue who I am or who I want to be. I'm just holding on for that next day. My life begins again each day, and I'm just holding on. I'm not like you, you will face this world with blacked eyes....I dont feel strong enough to make it through.