Ft. Polk

I haven't really posted in a while. I've had a lot of ups and downs since then, but a lot of things are different now as well. Since this blog is mainly for me, there is no point in trying to catch anyone up so here goes straight into today's session. To me this blog is like my outlet. I don't feel as though I have anyone I can trust to tell certain things to, but I can come here get them out on paper and somehow feel a sense of relief. For starters, I don't feel that my life is falling a part anymore, but its now more confusing than ever. My husband and I have decided to work on our marriage to make things work out. I'm still unsure of this. I want things to work themselves out and be a happily ever after, but sometimes I think that it isn't repairable. I feel as though I might have fucked up so much that, maybe I fucked it up for myself. I can almost guarantee this. My husband Ross, and I got into a fight a couple of days a go over this girl named Brittany Wilder. I feel as though they were saying things to each other that married people shouldn't be saying. Two days earlier, Ross was chastising me about the way I talk to males on my facebook page. I felt betrayed, pretty much the same feelings he has had this whole time I've been fucking up. I only got a small taste of my own medicine, but there I was sitting on the couch unable to handle the pain. I just can't stand the fact of someone else being with Ross, even if I'm not wanting to be with him at a certain point, or think we might be headed south, I still don't want anyone else with him. This is my selfishness coming into play. The problem is I do what to be with Ross, very much so. It all goes back to the me fucking up though, I have fucked up so much that if things were the other way around, I highly doubt I'd still be with him...so for him to still be here makes no sense to me. The only thing I can keep playing in my head is that he is here for the children. He wants things to work out so that our kids don't come from a broken family. Ross and I have had this conversation many times, but since calling him out on the Brittany thing..we decided to sit down and have a talk about it. He swears of course that he was innocent and meant nothing by his conversation. A part of me believes him, since after all he hasn't been caught in the past or done anything shady, but a part of me still thinks that it was a lie. I honestly don't know what to believe or think anymore. I am just taking it a day at a time. The only thing I am sure of more than anything is that I would do whatever it took to make this marriage work. I do love him. He is the only person that has stood by my side when others would have taken off running, and the only person I feel that at least half way understands where I am coming from at times. We had lunch with Blake and his new girlfriend Brandi today. Of course I was on my best behavior, but I must admit that I am so super jealous of the two of them. I miss the new love stage. Blake was happier than I had ever seen him. Constantly touching her, and holding hands...he has never been this public about his affection. I'm happy for him. I don't really care for the girl Brandi, she is nice, but we just have nothing in common. All that matters is that Blake is happy, so I'm happy for the both of them. Its time for a real change in this family after all. Going back to the Ross thing, I think this is why I'm so down today is because of meeting Brandi. Even though she was a bigger girl, and not as pretty as some others...Blake could care less. He was happy and in love. I miss Ross being that way with me. I miss the holding hands, and constant touching me somehow. He doesn't do these things much anymore. We only hold hands in the car now days. These are the things I was crying out to him about before I decided to leave El Paso. I will never be able to get him to understand. I miss him so much its retarded. I know this sounds strange since he is under the same roof as me currently and across the room, but things aren't the same and they never will be. I fucked things up for myself, and now this is honestly in my opinion no way of getting it back. I'm now living with what I've done. I have broken a perfectly good man. God I'm stupid. If your wondering if I still hate myself, well of course I do. I'm am the devils daughter. I do stupid shit without thinking about it and hurt the ones I love most. I'm rude, loud, and annoying...fat still...this is something that I don't think will ever change. I have been fat forever, and even though I'm sick of it I'm too lazy to actually get up and do anything about it so I just sit around complaining about it all day and feeling sorry for myself. Currently my feelings are a bit of mixed emotions. I'm angry and depressed at the same time. Angry because I'm the one that brought this upon myself, depressed, because I honestly have no clue how to mend or fix it. I am so scared that things will forever be this way. I have to just deal with what comes my way. Besides, from the outside looking in I really don't deserve to be happy anyway. I can't even be thankful what I had, so I went out looking for more only to realize that what I wanted is what I had all along. I just want things to go back to the way they used to be. I want to be in love with Ross the way I was in the beginning, and I want to feel that unbearable bond between the two of us. I want to have that trust back. This is what we will never have again. No matter how many years we are together, I have a feeling that we are constantly going to be looking over each other's shoulders wondering what the other is doing or if they are doing something that shouldn't be. It just kills me inside everyday that I know I will NEVER have this back. He is the first and only man I ever gave my complete trust to and have it broken, and same goes for him I think...except of course like always my hurt had to be a billion times worse. I'm kind of starting to drive myself insane worrying about how to fix things and being upset that things are back to normal. I have no patience. I have continuously told myself that this is something I have got to learn, but for some reason can't grasp it just quite yet. I do feel alone. I feel like I have no one to talk to that would even begin to understand where I'm coming from and in a way I'm right. I mean I could talk to Ross about things, but I would really rather not bring up the past and so on. It just makes things worse. Plus, I honestly don't like to talk about it myself...even though I keep going on and on about it here, yes. I know what your thinking...how can you not shut up about it here but keep it to yourself with Ross and its because my blog is the only escape that I have. I have no other outlets. Starting Monday I will be by myself with the two children in Ft. Polk. Yayyy for being a single mother again. I can't stand that either. This whole life right now is getting to me. I am thankful to be back with my family and have a house and so on, but I just wish that things could get better. I hate that they have to get worse before they get better. Its like really? I guess I deserve it though. UGH, I can't even do this anymore.

Depression

Lately I've been in a funk. I haven't really wanted to get out or hang out with any of my friends. In fact it seems the only thing I've wanted to do is stay in my room, sleep. I'm just kind of depressed. I hate the way I look. I've been trying to hide it from the ones I love, but it it seems pointless they know I hate it. Yes, I do wear "my big" boldly and proudly, but that still doesn't mean that I don't have a problem with it. I know my limits and what I could be and what I have looked like in the past I think this is the main reason it really gets to me because I just can't seem to shake
Ross is out in the field this entire week, which means I'm stuck at the house alone with two children under the age of five. I feel like I'm about ready to pull my hair out! I hate playing this single mother bullshit which I feel that I do personally everyday for the past four years since he joined the Army. I hate the Army. They claim to be family oriented and shit like that, but truth of the fact is they aren't. I will be the happiest girl in the world the day he gets out of the Army. I feel that the Army has taken a lot of time from us being a family. I'm sure one day this too shall pass.
I have really started to feel myself kind of slip lately. Almost like I wasn't being myself. I guess I should seriously lay off the bacon cheeseburgers for a while. I really am being super harsh on myself. Its goes something like this, I know what I want and how to get it but I lack the motivation. I'm still not sure why my body bothers me so much. I have a husband that makes love to me and has sex with me regardless of me not liking myself. He still gets his so apparently I still have something going on. I am just not happy with myself. In the back of my mind I'm constantly thinking that eventually one day he will get tired of being a fat overweight wife and go out and find someone younger, thinner, prettier. I feel bad sometimes, because Ross sometimes takes a lot of abuse from my past haunting me, but at the end of the day he still lays his head next to mine. Things between the two of us honestly couldn't be going any better. I think I'm nuts. Seriously. Think about it, its the only logical answer to the reason why I do such batty things. No one in their right minds would do some of the stuff that I've done.

Agony

I dont even know where to begin. Retention didnt go as well as planned. We pretty much found out what we already knew. No reclassing, no switching mos(es), no anything, except choice of duty station, and even then they can do what they want with you. Ross is discouraged because he was really hoping to get out. I was hoping that he could do what he wanted. Seems like neither of us got our way. Thats life sometimes.
I feel like he doesn't understand me. I really dont know what to say about him anymore...he used to be my everything. He used to complete me. Now its like I sit around on egg shells just waiting for him to explode. He's so touchy these days. I know a lot of this is fueled from work. He just recently switched units and so things have been rough at work for him. When he isn't happy, I'm not happy. I haven't been happy for a while seems like. Things were okay when he came home from Iraq, then it took a lot of adjusting. We seemed to get back into a routine...now boom your pregnant again, and with the stress of re enlisting and me being pregnant I think its just gotten to him. He can only handle so much, he isn't God.
I love him, trust me I do. We have our ups and downs and right now its just an all time low for us, but it can always be worse. I try to be thankful for things we have and recieve. I dont think I'm doing such a super job at it, because apparently according to him..."your just like everyone else." It kills me when he says things like that. He doesn't even try to understand where I'm coming from. Communication has always been the issue for us...that later turned into trust issues since it brought them on, because we couldn't communicate in the beginning. I dont know what to do anymore. Him being down is bringing me down...I will never tell him but so much to where it makes me have thoughts of suicide. I feel sometimes the family would be better off without me. I almost feel as if we need a break again, and its sad because I just got him back in July. I hate being without him, but I hate being with him right now at this very point. I can me falling away and him starting to break.
This should be one of the happiest times in our lives. We just hit our four year wedding anniversery and we are expecting our second son in May. Seems like none of that matters because of the Army, it always goes back to the Army. He gets treated like crap, and hates what he does, brings it home...the cycle continues. I blame myself. I feel like I've actually ruined this guys life instead of bringing joy to it. Apparently I've been a burden. If it weren't for me getting pregnant would we even still be together? Of course we would. We wanted to get married and have kids and talked for years about it before doing it. I just dont think we knew exactly what we were getting ourselves into. Neither one of us has an education that can count for anything...here we are three years later with the Army...still no better than we came in...no money in savings, barely enough to make it until the next paycheck. Something has to change! I just dont know where to begin!
I wish I had a telephone to God and knew all the answers, but who doesn't? Can't hate myself for wishful thinking. I am falling down, I can't get up, its over now for me...I cant hold on...I honestly feel that I need professional help with these issues but that is just one more thing that he would have to worry about. I need a job. I have got to get out of this house, but good luck with that if you dont speak spanish in El Paso....ha just my luck, I fall into that category. Where is the way out from all of this mess?? Seriously! I just wish I knew what to do, and where to go from here. I dont feel like anyone understands me, because I dont even understand myself. I have no clue who I am or who I want to be. I'm just holding on for that next day. My life begins again each day, and I'm just holding on. I'm not like you, you will face this world with blacked eyes....I dont feel strong enough to make it through.

Discovering myself

Today was a hard day for me. It started off okay, and then just kinda went down hill from there. What is it about men that make them think that they have it so much harder than us? I will never be able to fully understand them. My husband who is deployed, I'm sure we all know this by now, seems to think that because I'm not deployed that my life is perfect. I'm not saying that their jobs aren't hard and that being deployed is easy but just because we aren't doesnt mean that our life doesnt suck too. Its hard being without them, dealing with the everyday things that are thrown your way. I personally am having a hard time being a single mother. My two year old is driving me insane. I just need like five minutes to myself so I can pee without him standing at the door, or walking in on me.

I think I'm just the girl with the broken smile, trying to put up this front that says "hey guys, I'm here, I'm good, sure I'm okay." The truth is I'm really not. I am soooo barely hanging on by a thread. I break down atleast twice a day. To make matters worse the husband and I had a fight about this today. He seems to think that I'm over reacting because I have it so much better then him because hey atleast I'm not deployed. Okay...So yes, he does make a valid point. Atleast I'm not deployed, but at the same time, it doesnt mean that life without them is all happy happy joy joy. Also I know that when they get on to talk to us they dont want to hear a whole bunch of drama and stuff like that, but he's my BESTFRIEND. If I can't tell him then who can I tell? He askes me how my day is and so I tell him and then turns around and says he doesnt want to hear it??? I dont understand. I mean okay...so it was dramatic but still....its my life as of now, atleast how I see it.

Being an Army wife sure does suck sometimes. Why are we the other woman? I sooo feel like this all the time. Like I'm fucking a married man or something because I usually only get the left overs of what the Army decides to leave for me. Oh and I hate when you fight and then you just can't stop thinking about it. Like if you end it on bad terms ya know? I hate going to bed mad, I usually refuse to, but with him being deployed its kinda hard when he hangs up from Skype with you. Yeah, so that sucked. Maybe I was a little hard on him, but still. I mean I'm stressed out too. This is exactly a cake walk for me here. Its our first deployment and I have no clue what to expect. I think that is what makes it so hard on me is because I dont know what comes next. So question of the day is....Where do I go from here?

I'm still discovering myself, while being a mom and a spouse to a deployed soldier and student all at the same time. Sometimes life for me can get out of hand. I feel like mine has just finally got to the point where I can't control it anymore. I HATE not being in control, I think this is another issue I should work on. I mean, I dont always have to be in the drivers seat do I? Is there something wrong with me? I have no clue, but until I figure it out....this is what is keeping me sane.

Apartments.

So I'm super stoked! I think I might have found the perfect apartment for us! Its a little bit more then what I was hoping to pay for but it works. It has everything included. I think I'll take it. The friendly staff really kinda of made it hard for me to say no to. They gave me everything I was looking for! And get this. The apartment itself is on the first floor! yay! Now when I go to get groceries, it wont be so bad having to load them in by myself. Its times like those when I really miss my husband the most. Lol. Sad, but so true. Well I just had to get this off my chest. I'm super excited. I can't wait. Move in is March 4th. I can't wait to get in and decorate my apartment. If you all want to see the website you can visit....www.crescentcommonsapts.com I love it. I love the arch entry ways, that is what really sold me. Lol, my husband likes them too but the garden tub is what got him. Lol.

I have a huge...

HEADACHE! And it wont go away. At first I honestly thought that it might have been because I was dehydrated, but I already drank a butt load of water, and nothing seems to help. UGH! Also, I took a Algebra test tonight, maybe that is linked to my headache. Lol. I dont think I made an A but I think I passed which is really all that matters to begin with. I know that I seem random on my blogs, but thats just it. They are my blogs, and its my life, I swear these are all true stories, and exactly what comes out of my head at the time of writing them. This is how I think. I know that I might be different but its me, and I'm okay with that, I honestly wouldn't have it any other way. I think I'm amazing, and thats all that counts. Did I mention my husband thinks I'm amazing as well? Lol. That man really does love me. I honestly didnt think there was a such thing as "real love" until I met him. I feel bad that it took me sooo long (four years) to figure that out, but hey...it takes some longer then others. Anywho...This is my first official blog on here. YAY! Go me! UGH, I'm sooo glad to have found this website. I'm a total blogger. Helps me keep sane. I used to blog all the time when I had my myspace. Lately I've been cheating on myspace with facebook...shhh...I refuse to go back to myspace. I enjoy facebook sooo much more. Anywhoo...I think I'll go watch some more hulu.com. LOVE that website. One of my favs.