Depression

Lately I've been in a funk. I haven't really wanted to get out or hang out with any of my friends. In fact it seems the only thing I've wanted to do is stay in my room, sleep. I'm just kind of depressed. I hate the way I look. I've been trying to hide it from the ones I love, but it it seems pointless they know I hate it. Yes, I do wear "my big" boldly and proudly, but that still doesn't mean that I don't have a problem with it. I know my limits and what I could be and what I have looked like in the past I think this is the main reason it really gets to me because I just can't seem to shake
Ross is out in the field this entire week, which means I'm stuck at the house alone with two children under the age of five. I feel like I'm about ready to pull my hair out! I hate playing this single mother bullshit which I feel that I do personally everyday for the past four years since he joined the Army. I hate the Army. They claim to be family oriented and shit like that, but truth of the fact is they aren't. I will be the happiest girl in the world the day he gets out of the Army. I feel that the Army has taken a lot of time from us being a family. I'm sure one day this too shall pass.
I have really started to feel myself kind of slip lately. Almost like I wasn't being myself. I guess I should seriously lay off the bacon cheeseburgers for a while. I really am being super harsh on myself. Its goes something like this, I know what I want and how to get it but I lack the motivation. I'm still not sure why my body bothers me so much. I have a husband that makes love to me and has sex with me regardless of me not liking myself. He still gets his so apparently I still have something going on. I am just not happy with myself. In the back of my mind I'm constantly thinking that eventually one day he will get tired of being a fat overweight wife and go out and find someone younger, thinner, prettier. I feel bad sometimes, because Ross sometimes takes a lot of abuse from my past haunting me, but at the end of the day he still lays his head next to mine. Things between the two of us honestly couldn't be going any better. I think I'm nuts. Seriously. Think about it, its the only logical answer to the reason why I do such batty things. No one in their right minds would do some of the stuff that I've done.