Ft. Polk

I haven't really posted in a while. I've had a lot of ups and downs since then, but a lot of things are different now as well. Since this blog is mainly for me, there is no point in trying to catch anyone up so here goes straight into today's session. To me this blog is like my outlet. I don't feel as though I have anyone I can trust to tell certain things to, but I can come here get them out on paper and somehow feel a sense of relief. For starters, I don't feel that my life is falling a part anymore, but its now more confusing than ever. My husband and I have decided to work on our marriage to make things work out. I'm still unsure of this. I want things to work themselves out and be a happily ever after, but sometimes I think that it isn't repairable. I feel as though I might have fucked up so much that, maybe I fucked it up for myself. I can almost guarantee this. My husband Ross, and I got into a fight a couple of days a go over this girl named Brittany Wilder. I feel as though they were saying things to each other that married people shouldn't be saying. Two days earlier, Ross was chastising me about the way I talk to males on my facebook page. I felt betrayed, pretty much the same feelings he has had this whole time I've been fucking up. I only got a small taste of my own medicine, but there I was sitting on the couch unable to handle the pain. I just can't stand the fact of someone else being with Ross, even if I'm not wanting to be with him at a certain point, or think we might be headed south, I still don't want anyone else with him. This is my selfishness coming into play. The problem is I do what to be with Ross, very much so. It all goes back to the me fucking up though, I have fucked up so much that if things were the other way around, I highly doubt I'd still be with him...so for him to still be here makes no sense to me. The only thing I can keep playing in my head is that he is here for the children. He wants things to work out so that our kids don't come from a broken family. Ross and I have had this conversation many times, but since calling him out on the Brittany thing..we decided to sit down and have a talk about it. He swears of course that he was innocent and meant nothing by his conversation. A part of me believes him, since after all he hasn't been caught in the past or done anything shady, but a part of me still thinks that it was a lie. I honestly don't know what to believe or think anymore. I am just taking it a day at a time. The only thing I am sure of more than anything is that I would do whatever it took to make this marriage work. I do love him. He is the only person that has stood by my side when others would have taken off running, and the only person I feel that at least half way understands where I am coming from at times. We had lunch with Blake and his new girlfriend Brandi today. Of course I was on my best behavior, but I must admit that I am so super jealous of the two of them. I miss the new love stage. Blake was happier than I had ever seen him. Constantly touching her, and holding hands...he has never been this public about his affection. I'm happy for him. I don't really care for the girl Brandi, she is nice, but we just have nothing in common. All that matters is that Blake is happy, so I'm happy for the both of them. Its time for a real change in this family after all. Going back to the Ross thing, I think this is why I'm so down today is because of meeting Brandi. Even though she was a bigger girl, and not as pretty as some others...Blake could care less. He was happy and in love. I miss Ross being that way with me. I miss the holding hands, and constant touching me somehow. He doesn't do these things much anymore. We only hold hands in the car now days. These are the things I was crying out to him about before I decided to leave El Paso. I will never be able to get him to understand. I miss him so much its retarded. I know this sounds strange since he is under the same roof as me currently and across the room, but things aren't the same and they never will be. I fucked things up for myself, and now this is honestly in my opinion no way of getting it back. I'm now living with what I've done. I have broken a perfectly good man. God I'm stupid. If your wondering if I still hate myself, well of course I do. I'm am the devils daughter. I do stupid shit without thinking about it and hurt the ones I love most. I'm rude, loud, and annoying...fat still...this is something that I don't think will ever change. I have been fat forever, and even though I'm sick of it I'm too lazy to actually get up and do anything about it so I just sit around complaining about it all day and feeling sorry for myself. Currently my feelings are a bit of mixed emotions. I'm angry and depressed at the same time. Angry because I'm the one that brought this upon myself, depressed, because I honestly have no clue how to mend or fix it. I am so scared that things will forever be this way. I have to just deal with what comes my way. Besides, from the outside looking in I really don't deserve to be happy anyway. I can't even be thankful what I had, so I went out looking for more only to realize that what I wanted is what I had all along. I just want things to go back to the way they used to be. I want to be in love with Ross the way I was in the beginning, and I want to feel that unbearable bond between the two of us. I want to have that trust back. This is what we will never have again. No matter how many years we are together, I have a feeling that we are constantly going to be looking over each other's shoulders wondering what the other is doing or if they are doing something that shouldn't be. It just kills me inside everyday that I know I will NEVER have this back. He is the first and only man I ever gave my complete trust to and have it broken, and same goes for him I think...except of course like always my hurt had to be a billion times worse. I'm kind of starting to drive myself insane worrying about how to fix things and being upset that things are back to normal. I have no patience. I have continuously told myself that this is something I have got to learn, but for some reason can't grasp it just quite yet. I do feel alone. I feel like I have no one to talk to that would even begin to understand where I'm coming from and in a way I'm right. I mean I could talk to Ross about things, but I would really rather not bring up the past and so on. It just makes things worse. Plus, I honestly don't like to talk about it myself...even though I keep going on and on about it here, yes. I know what your thinking...how can you not shut up about it here but keep it to yourself with Ross and its because my blog is the only escape that I have. I have no other outlets. Starting Monday I will be by myself with the two children in Ft. Polk. Yayyy for being a single mother again. I can't stand that either. This whole life right now is getting to me. I am thankful to be back with my family and have a house and so on, but I just wish that things could get better. I hate that they have to get worse before they get better. Its like really? I guess I deserve it though. UGH, I can't even do this anymore.

Depression

Lately I've been in a funk. I haven't really wanted to get out or hang out with any of my friends. In fact it seems the only thing I've wanted to do is stay in my room, sleep. I'm just kind of depressed. I hate the way I look. I've been trying to hide it from the ones I love, but it it seems pointless they know I hate it. Yes, I do wear "my big" boldly and proudly, but that still doesn't mean that I don't have a problem with it. I know my limits and what I could be and what I have looked like in the past I think this is the main reason it really gets to me because I just can't seem to shake
Ross is out in the field this entire week, which means I'm stuck at the house alone with two children under the age of five. I feel like I'm about ready to pull my hair out! I hate playing this single mother bullshit which I feel that I do personally everyday for the past four years since he joined the Army. I hate the Army. They claim to be family oriented and shit like that, but truth of the fact is they aren't. I will be the happiest girl in the world the day he gets out of the Army. I feel that the Army has taken a lot of time from us being a family. I'm sure one day this too shall pass.
I have really started to feel myself kind of slip lately. Almost like I wasn't being myself. I guess I should seriously lay off the bacon cheeseburgers for a while. I really am being super harsh on myself. Its goes something like this, I know what I want and how to get it but I lack the motivation. I'm still not sure why my body bothers me so much. I have a husband that makes love to me and has sex with me regardless of me not liking myself. He still gets his so apparently I still have something going on. I am just not happy with myself. In the back of my mind I'm constantly thinking that eventually one day he will get tired of being a fat overweight wife and go out and find someone younger, thinner, prettier. I feel bad sometimes, because Ross sometimes takes a lot of abuse from my past haunting me, but at the end of the day he still lays his head next to mine. Things between the two of us honestly couldn't be going any better. I think I'm nuts. Seriously. Think about it, its the only logical answer to the reason why I do such batty things. No one in their right minds would do some of the stuff that I've done.