Discovering myself

Today was a hard day for me. It started off okay, and then just kinda went down hill from there. What is it about men that make them think that they have it so much harder than us? I will never be able to fully understand them. My husband who is deployed, I'm sure we all know this by now, seems to think that because I'm not deployed that my life is perfect. I'm not saying that their jobs aren't hard and that being deployed is easy but just because we aren't doesnt mean that our life doesnt suck too. Its hard being without them, dealing with the everyday things that are thrown your way. I personally am having a hard time being a single mother. My two year old is driving me insane. I just need like five minutes to myself so I can pee without him standing at the door, or walking in on me.

I think I'm just the girl with the broken smile, trying to put up this front that says "hey guys, I'm here, I'm good, sure I'm okay." The truth is I'm really not. I am soooo barely hanging on by a thread. I break down atleast twice a day. To make matters worse the husband and I had a fight about this today. He seems to think that I'm over reacting because I have it so much better then him because hey atleast I'm not deployed. Okay...So yes, he does make a valid point. Atleast I'm not deployed, but at the same time, it doesnt mean that life without them is all happy happy joy joy. Also I know that when they get on to talk to us they dont want to hear a whole bunch of drama and stuff like that, but he's my BESTFRIEND. If I can't tell him then who can I tell? He askes me how my day is and so I tell him and then turns around and says he doesnt want to hear it??? I dont understand. I mean okay...so it was dramatic but still....its my life as of now, atleast how I see it.

Being an Army wife sure does suck sometimes. Why are we the other woman? I sooo feel like this all the time. Like I'm fucking a married man or something because I usually only get the left overs of what the Army decides to leave for me. Oh and I hate when you fight and then you just can't stop thinking about it. Like if you end it on bad terms ya know? I hate going to bed mad, I usually refuse to, but with him being deployed its kinda hard when he hangs up from Skype with you. Yeah, so that sucked. Maybe I was a little hard on him, but still. I mean I'm stressed out too. This is exactly a cake walk for me here. Its our first deployment and I have no clue what to expect. I think that is what makes it so hard on me is because I dont know what comes next. So question of the day is....Where do I go from here?

I'm still discovering myself, while being a mom and a spouse to a deployed soldier and student all at the same time. Sometimes life for me can get out of hand. I feel like mine has just finally got to the point where I can't control it anymore. I HATE not being in control, I think this is another issue I should work on. I mean, I dont always have to be in the drivers seat do I? Is there something wrong with me? I have no clue, but until I figure it out....this is what is keeping me sane.